and I just can’t quite put my finger on it.
schonnikkkki replied to your post: Ehh beach soon!
NO ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES FOR ANDREW TRINH! D:
BUT ITS SO YUMMMY.
Me gots to start working off me keg.
Hm. Might explain the contradictions.
That’s all I needed.
I will not play this game anymore. I look at you and I see my past. You have the power and you use it to push my feelings around. I want to be with you, but I know it will just bring me pain. You’re trying to make this like before, like the conversations of old. You’re going to think I’m a hypocrite, that you’re the victim of whatever I’m feeling. I’m going to tell you one last time. I love you, but right now, I need to let you go. I cannot love someone who only takes from me, but can’t or won’t give back. I’ve satisfied your needs, but mine have barely been touched.
I don’t feel the same optimism I once did - my self-esteem is shot. I don’t trust myself to make important decisions and I’m easily pushed around. I’m not who I used to be, and you need to start understanding that.
Remember when you told me I was whipped? You were absolutely right. I am whipped, or easily walked over. It outraged me that you’d call me out for that. Now, I realize that the person who’s meant for me will accept me for it. I’ll satisfy her needs, as she satisfies mine. A relationship or what-have-you is not all about feeling the emotions, it’s the symbiotic reliance we hold with those dear to us. One day, we’ll both understand what it means to love. You’ll have a great life with a guy who’s more into you than me. Maybe one day I’ll meet a girl who won’t pick fights or who’s taste in music coincides with mine. But for now, I’ll just keep looking as I always have.
I’m only sixteen. I may look back on this day and ridicule this pubescent boy who thinks he knows what it means to love a girl. But make no mistake about it Truc, I have loved you.
And so, it is with a heavy heart and an open mind that I close the chapter of affection between us. I promise I won’t bother you when I miss you. I promise I won’t talk about getting with you again. I definitely won’t bring up what’s-his-face. You need to realize that what you feel now is merely the absence of a guy that wants to be with you. So go and find that guy you need to depend on to keep going. I’m not the energizer bunny, I can’t keep going on like this; swaying from being friends to something more. I’ve made up my mind, there’s no turning back. We’re just friends now, and I can’t have feelings for you.
At some point I need to stop and tell myself that I’m better than this depressed shell of a body. This emotional detachment is only a phase, as I was to you. No, don’t fight me because I already know what you’ll say. I hope your love life’s all you’ve ever dreamed it to be. I hope you find happiness, and I hope you two never fight. I hope you find love, Truc.
As for me, don’t worry about it. Time is my best friend, experience and knowledge are my parents. I will thrive, as will you. So goodbye to this feeling, and farewell to hopeless reason.
Don’t do what you always do and blog about how frustrated you are with me. There’s not much more I can feel or do. This is honesty and reluctance all balled up into nice, neat paragraphs. So please just accept it as it is.
Best summer weekend so far?
All-nighter with cousins&company after a day at the beach <3
Talking/laughing til 6 AM, with a one hour “nap” in between. I can’t believe we fell asleep throughout that much of Shutter Island. Lmao @ Sophia watching it by herself in a darkroom while everyone else was sleeping.
HAHAHAHA WHAT A LOSER (:
I wrote on your face while you were sleeeping :D
pyrosnap replied to your post: pyrosnap replied to your post: Is it strange that…
pyrosnap replied to your post: Is it strange that I’m going to a K-Pop concert featuring BoA, Super Junior, and SNSD but I don’t even like K-Pop? LOL.
Yes. Give me your ticket. = = IS IT THE SM TOWN ONE AT THE STAPLE CENTER ?! I HATE CHU.
xoxofromtiffany replied to your post: Is it strange that I’m going to a K-Pop concert featuring BoA, Super Junior, and SNSD but I don’t even like K-Pop? LOL.
YOU’RE GOING TO SMTOWN?!
Yes I am LOOOL.
Her eyes make the stars look like they’re not shining.
Her hair falls perfectly without her trying.
She’s so beautiful, and I wish I could tell her everyday.
“Just the Way You Are”.
Exactly how I used to feel.
LOOKSEE you got yourself a post. There’s not much to say, only that you’ve helped me a lot. In a way I can’t describe, you’ve given me the company to lean on - the railings to guard me from a fall. It might not seem like it, but those irrelevant conversations we have give me hope. There’s more to life after all. So thank you, Deanna. (:
Take the context of this post however you want. Take it as a letter of apology, a cry of confusion. Take this as an I-want-you-back, or an I-need-to-move-on. But be sure to take this as an “I miss you.”
For the past month or so, I’ve been thinking about what I’d say to you if, say you told me you wanted me back. I’m not saying you said that, no; that would be putting words in your mouth. Hypothetically speaking though, what would I say? My morality, or whatever is left, tells me each time that the best choice for me would be to tell you that I’m not interested, not in the least. However, it becomes evident that certain parts of my body don’t agree. My mind tells me to move on, but my heart tells me to accept you.
You’ve broken my heart, you’ve glued it back together. You’ve made my life a dizzying intricate puzzle - one I can’t seem to solve without an answer key. But my heart still yearns for you; it yearns for the time when I felt complete. I miss those days when I thought that if the world would end, I would be entirely satisfied, because I’d just meet you up in heaven somewhere, or we’d survive hell together. Nothing mattered then, or at least I didn’t want anything to matter. You were like the heroin to an addict; I couldn’t go back to my regular way of life because you became the regular routine of life.
Is it so hard for you to see that the masks I put on everyday are for you? The “I’m over you” mask is for your satisfaction. You walk around everyday like you seem to forget what we had. You seem so over the fact that I’m in love with you. No, I didn’t use the wrong tense. I still love you - so very much. I’m trying to move on for you. I’m trying to be the friend you want me to be. I just really want to please you. So please tell me what you want. My life is complicated enough as it is. It doesn’t feel natural anymore - this friendship of ours. It only ever felt right when I held you in my arms.
What I’m trying to say is: I can’t deal with anymore mixed signals. I can’t deal with trying to analyze every movement, every twitch, every word that you throw my way. I just need a clear definite answer now. What do you feel?
I see you laying on the couch, attempting to find that peace in a dream. I want to dream with you, falling asleep in an embrace only tragedy could break. I want to travel back in time and relish those moments with you. Do you remember the passion? The collective harmony we shared? I yearn for that feeling again.
I can’t trust myself anymore. I can’t look at myself in the mirror. What I see is the reflection of a broken spirit, a failure as one who is supposed to care for others. I see a shell with no inhabitant.
Every song I post, every word I write expresses what I feel, desire, forgot. You’ve changed my life so completely, it’s unheard of. You’ve taught me to tolerate, to compromise, to love. I only wish you could teach me more. There is so much left to seek. Happiness comes with time, as does acceptance.
This facade that I’ve placed all around myself is growing thin. I can’t keep it up anymore. The image I project does not truly represent the pain I feel.
That dream you had doesn’t need to be a dream. Nothing has to be what it appears. Maybe one day you’ll miss me enough. Maybe one day our fingers will intertwine and we feel the same peace I know I once felt. That is my dream. There was no girl without a face. There was no sense of moving on. I lied to myself so that for just a moment I wouldn’t feel so pathetic for loving you after all this time.
The ball’s in your park, it always has been. I’ve shed the layers of my being. I’m tortoise without a shell, a dog without a bark. This is what I feel. Take what you want from it. I have nothing else to offer. I don’t want anything back either - no sympathy, or I know how you feels. I don’t want your animosity or criticism. I just want to know what you want from me.
P.S. I still love you.
It’s like waiting in a line for the newest movie to come out in 3D. It’s a long wait, I promise you. But eventually you’ll get to where you want to go, won’t you?
So why rush it? It’s not the destination you should want more than anything in that scenario. The journey to that destination is what matters most, does it not? Those small forgettable conversations with your best friend while waiting in a line make the trip worthwhile.
We’re cool now. But don’t rush the process. You want us to be friends, and we are friends. I mean we’re not the best of friends, but in a way, more like acquaintances now.
So please feel free to wait in line for a while, sit back, and enjoy the view. What’s the worst that could come out of it? As for me, I’ll take my time, relax, and just breathe in the newly found freedom.
I think I’m finally starting to see the bright side. The storm has passed, and the dust is settling. I’m finally seeing everything clearly now. I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve been through the first four stages of grief, and I can assure you for certain that I haven’t found acceptance yet. But I’m slowly getting there. Slowly.
With every moment that passes us by, I wonder how you’re doing. How are you holding up? I’m doing better, thank you. And by the way, I still miss you.
I had a dream the other day, you know. It was the most pleasant dream I’ve had since you came along. I was with a girl, I can’t remember her face, but there was something about her I can’t explain. Maybe you could help me? She was beautiful, though not as quite as a marvelous sight as you, but she was different. She made me see the brighter side of things, the future, and the hope - just for a moment, a single shining moment. Silly isn’t it - the fact that I saw this in a dream about a girl who doesn’t exist. I guess what I’m trying to say is that this dream made me realize that there should be no real reason for my grief. I have so much to look forward to. I’ve got to stop the moping and the wishing.
I’ll find another 11:11 wish, another prayer for happiness, I promise you. I only hope you do the same. Thank you for everything, but it’s my time to move on.
Why did I have to end it like that.
When you hurt someone like that, you can’t just expect them to be there like they were before. The way you talk to me now reminds me of a time when I fell for you. I told you I needed space and time remember? I’m telling you now that I don’t have time to focus just on you. I don’t have time to pretend like I give a damn. And I definitely don’t have time to deal with you Tumblr rants about how immoral of a guy I am. I don’t need that. And I definitely don’t need to deal with you. I’m tired. I’m angry all the time. I don’t need your bullshit. So please respect that. When I’m ready, I’ll open up to you and whatever. But right now, your animosity and boastfulness of SAT vocabulary words does not impress me. In fact, they’re helping me get over you.
I remember the day you first told me that
I was the man that had your heart.
From that day forth I knew that nothing would
Ever come and tear us apart.
So then people try to warn me about you,
Said that I should never trust you.
But so stupid me I didn’t listen then.
I let myself go fall in love with you.
What happened to us?
You were supposed to be my future.
But do I really have to take it right back?
Are you really in love?
Or was I just a game to prove to yourself
You could get me?
You’re more beautiful than anything in this world.
More precious than the rarest diamond or pearl.
And even though we didn’t work out together,
You’re still my sunset-set-set-set.
And I know that you and I are two worlds apart.
But you’ll always be the one to have my heart.
I’m gonna love you for now and forever.
Cause you’re my sunset-set-set-set-set.
Your innocent smile used to drive me wild.
Even though you ain’t innocent at all.
And now I feel so stupid cause I’m the only man
That ever loved you even with all your flaws.
Maybe one day we’ll end up talking again.
Maybe one day we’ll go back to being just friends.
Promise to love you baby till my life ends.
Cause you’re my sunset-set-set-set-set.
No matter what happened between me and you,
I’ll always be the man that you could run to.
I loved you then I love you now and forever.
Cause you’re my sunset-set-set-set-set-set.
And I lost you.
You want to be friends, and I don’t want to lose you.
Give me some time, and you’ll get what you want.
In the time it takes to tell someone, “I think we should just stay friends,” a hundred thousand emotions run through your mind. Some are old, others new. You experience the three months of pain it took to court her. And you feel the rush of the future happiness - all in the span of a couple seconds. It’s easy to become overwhelmed but hard to process what happened. It’s easy to feel sad, but hard to look past it. A break-up is depressing, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
I realized a while ago it wouldn’t work out. I asked you countless times to just do it. I was ready to start getting over you - over the fact that we had our differences. But no, you told me you liked me a lot. You convinced me you were over your ex and you were committed to this. I believed you. I trusted you. And then came the surprise. You think we should just be friends?
Now I’m stuck. What made you suddenly realize that I wasn’t the one. Was it my mom? Was it my low self-esteem, or maybe the fact that I just couldn’t win a fight with you? Did you keep me standing by just in case you needed a homework buddy?
How am I supposed to be a friend of yours? I can’t look at you without feeling stupid. I can’t look at you without feeling played. I cannot look at you without realizing that you’re the first girl I’ve ever loved. Every other girl in comparison means nothing now that I’ve had you. You were my every 11:11 wish, my every prayer for happiness. I don’t hate you, T. I hate that you threw my everything away.
For three and a half months I waited for you. I waited - I really did. You told me to stick it out, because you wanted to be sure that you liked me enough to be with me. It’s funny how I loved you, but you were only infatuated with the idea of a guy that was smarter than you.
I put aside the fact that you’re not as innocent as you seem. I forgave you for those four nights of selfish stupidity. And I made myself overlook your problems, because I wanted you to love me back. I can see that was never part of your plan.
So who will I text every morning? Who will keep me company on the road to San Diego? Or who’s voice would I hear every night if my parents weren’t around?
I don’t think you just started thinking about it this week. I think you pushed the thought of breaking it off with me aside. To save our friendship. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for considering my feelings. But that ship sailed when you told me you liked me as well. March 21st. That was the day you told me you liked me too.
I understand what it must feel like reading this blog. As if I’m attacking you. Which in a way I am. But I’m just trying to get a sense of what’s running through your head. I know and have known that I was never your perfect guy. It’s always been L. You’ll fall for him again - just watch.
I’m sorry I stood in the way of that. I’m sorry I apologize for my every mistake. I’m sorry you couldn’t overlook my problems like I overlooked yours. I’m sorry things didn’t work out. I’m sorry my mother’s a bitch. I’m sorry we fought, and I’m sorry I’m so overly dramatic and cheesy. I am sorry, T if this blog hurts you or incriminates you. And above all, I am sorry that it ended this way.
I’m sorry I was stupid enough to kiss you when you didn’t want it. Or for pushing for the affection. I’m sorry you didn’t want me. I wasted your time.
Forgive me for caring. I was in love.
You know, it is genuinely frustrating when your peers complain about how their summer wasn’t the best.
“Oh yeah, I only went to, like, five parties the WHOLE summer. And I only saw like 4 movies. Sigh.”
Well PISS OFF. At least you know what it feels like to step out of your house without having to constantly play your schedule through your head.
“Damn, let’s see. Summer school until 12pm. SAT Prep until 6:30pm. Band until 8pm. Homework until 3am.”
You see, that’s pretty much my schedule every day. There’s no time for Tumblr, or Facebook, or OMGPOP, or the mall, or parties.
I think the only thing that could make a situation like this worse was if your parents didn’t let you go out when you actually had time.
Oh wait. Those are my parents in a nutshell.
Mom: “The summer is no time for friends. You live at home. You see your friends at school. That’s enough.”
Well Mother, when I die from legitimate stress and anxiety, you can shove it.
Cry all you want, I won’t forgive you from hell.
Ha, that’s right. This is hell.