see a penny , pick it up.

I fucking miss you.

So one of the things that’s changed about me since I went to college…

I love weed. 

As I’m packing my life up into boxes, I’m constantly running into things you’ve given me, touched, brushed by. From the walls our voices echoed off of to the boxes of gifts you’ve given me to the bed where we shared so many nights. And it’s so bittersweet because these are all great memories. I was a different kind of happy back then, and it would be so easy for me to go backwards and ask for you once again. But I can’t do that to either of us.

But it’s amazing to see how much of an effect someone can play on your life. From the hairband I found in the corner of my desk to the bowties that stay neatly on their hooks, you’ve managed to sneak a bit of yourself into every niche of my room, of my life. Maybe that’s why I like keeping my things in disarray, because when I finally have the courage to rearrange my life, I know you’ll be there with me, surprising me and encouraging me every step of the way.

You don’t know what you’ve done for me. You don’t know how much I miss you and your touch. You don’t know how hard it is for me to constantly say no to myself. This is every bit self-control and ironically, it shows finally when it comes to keeping us apart.

Thank you for everything you’ve done for me.

I’ve found my happiness.

I used to think my happiness was derived from being in relationships, from the moments that gave you unfamiliar butterflies to the treasure that was a soul to learn and grow from.

But perhaps all I really wanted was simply to be loved.

And I would like to think I’ve found this love elsewhere, in my friends and the people I’ve come to surround myself with. From the grounded bonds I formed at orientation to the relationships that built up over spontaneous midnight adventures to the ones that materialized just because we were a “family” to the surprising friendships that sprouted in the three days I lived in the library pulling consecutive all-nighters. At every turn I seem to find more support and encouragement than I could ever have imagined possible. 

People surprise you in the most pleasant ways. Generosity, commitment, selfless love; I’ve found a home and people to share it with. Looking back on my first year as a college kid, I firmly believe that through all the dining hall swipes, finals care packages, and one-on-one talks, the greatest gift I received was the blessing of having these people in my life.

Truly, these people are the treasures of my first year. They are the living momentos that describe a time when being loved was something I didn’t have to wish for.

There was a time when I thought I knew what I wanted.

I had it all planned out. The girl, the dates, everything was inscribed on the underside of my eyelids so that every time I blinked I would never lose sight of everything I thought I wanted.

And then she came along and I was happier than I had ever hoped to be. I never closed my eyes; one, because there was no reason to look for something that was right in front of me, and two, because I thought that if I even looked away for a second, she’d disappear like the ephemerality of morning fog. But she didn’t, and I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into the cracks of her heart. I spackled and plastered the walls around her love until she could finally feel safe to open her door for me. And I worked hard to make sure I wouldn’t be the one to bulldoze it all down.

But life happened. Somewhere in the midst of it all, I lost the key she gave me. I changed in ways I never could have seen. The distance felt farther, I felt lonelier, and I guess I just lost interest in it all.

It wasn’t her fault. She tried her best to invite me back in, but I was too scared. I was too afraid that we would stop growing together and routine would set in. I took her love for granted.

I messed up. I hurt her in more ways than I knew, and I doubt I’ll ever forgive myself for that, even if she already has. And so that’s how that chapter ended.

But you move on, and you try to do better. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself, and I think that’s what I’m trying to get back now. A sense of worth and belonging. I’m soul searching on mountains and valleys. Looking for the part of me that left. I need to feel like I fit this mind and body. I want to explore the avenues I’ve ignored and break the shell I’ve been cowering in. There’s something inside of me that knows I can do better. I can pick myself up off the ground and I can stand tall knowing that tomorrow will always be brighter.

There may be clouds, but there will always be light.

Let’s see if I can find the words I lost. Let’s see where this takes us. Inspiration takes the shape of anything and everything. Let’s see where we’ll go from here.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m back.

Abuse me with your words and I will take it. I know the pain and the disbelief and the frustration. I understand it and I wouldn’t expect anything less. But somehow part of me thought that it would be different. I’m doing my best to not show that I’m hurting too. I’m trying to be strong because I know what I gave up on was good. But it’s time for me to also realize that love isn’t everything anymore. I used to think it was the key to life, but now I understand that if you don’t know where you’re going in life, if you don’t know who you are, you can’t share that with anyone and it would be wasteful to have someone wait on you while you figured it out. I made a decision on behalf of the both of us - one you didn’t want to take. I get that. But I also didn’t think you’d call our love fake and counterfeit. Sure you can keep that thought in your head, but don’t for one second think that your love was better or more pure than mine. If you truly loved me, you would understand my position. If you truly loved me you would want me to find happiness, even if it meant letting me go. But that’s probably too much to have hoped for. I truly loved you. I wanted you to find your own happiness because I knew that you weren’t finding that with me. I set you down in the ocean because I knew my aquarium was stifling your growth; it was uncomfortable and suffocating. And I couldn’t give you what you needed. I hope one day you’ll look back and see us in a better light. I hope you see the good in me one day, like you used to. And I hope I could perhaps have my best friend back.

Thank you for the growth you’ve instilled in me. For the countless times when I was wrong and you were right. Thank you for believing in me when no one could. For giving me everything you could muster just so I could shine. No one will ever take your place. Your grace, love, and kindness have settled deep within the cracks of my heart. Thank you for the friendship and hope. For the times unforgotten and the risks that paid off. You have molded me and have shown me what love looks like. I am so sorry that my fingers could not mold it in return.

‎If you can’t see anything beautiful about yourself-

Get a better mirror. Look a little closer. Stare a little longer. Because there’s something inside of you that made you keep trying despite everyone who told you to quit. You built a cast around your broken heart and signed it yourself. You signed it, “They were wrong.” ‘Cause maybe you didn’t belong to a group or a clique. Maybe they decided to pick you last for basketball or everything. Maybe you brought bruises and broken teeth to show and tell but you never told because how can you hold your ground if everyone around you wants to bury you beneath it? You have to believe that they were wrong.

They have to be wrong. 

Planning to write a new script. Any ideas on what it should be about?

Relationships wise… cause that’s what I’m good at (;

Sooo suggestions?

You’re such a goober but I still love you so much.